THINGS I WISH I'D KNOWN BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED by Gary Chapman

The book, published in 2010, contains twelve chapters and 200 pages. Gary Chapman who is an anthropologist, has been on continual study of human cultures and he came to a conclusion which is inevitable that "marriage between a man and a woman is the foundation of all human societies."

All couples anticipate living happily ever after. No one gets married hoping to be miserable, yet we all know that divorce rate hovers around fifty percent. Divorce is the result of lack of preparation for marriage and failure to learn the skills of working together as teammates in an intimate relationship. What is ironic is that we recognize the need for education in all our pursuits of life and fail to recognize that we need it when it comes to marriage. This is a book on how to have a successful marriage.

Being in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage, we often fail to consider the fact that our social, spiritual and intellectual interests are miles apart. Our value systems and goals are contradictory but we are in love. Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions change and obsessions fade. Research indicates that the average life span of the "in love" obsession is two years (The author calls the "in love" "the tingles"). Then, our differences begin to emerge and we often find ourselves arguing with the person whom we once thought to be perfect.

There are two stages of romantic love and they are:
1) The Euphoric Stage of Love: As earlier discussed, the couples do not have to work on the relationship because they are so in love, the average life span is two years. Actually, it is good because it is difficult to concentrate on anything else when you are in love.

2) The second stage is much more intentional and it requires work in order to keep emotional love alive. What makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. Everyone has a primary love language as discovered by the author which he called the five love languages. You have to discover your spouse's love language to help you connect with each other and keep emotional love alive. The love language includes:

1) Word of Affirmation: This language uses words to affirm the other person. For example, "you look good", "I love you."
2) Acts of Service: For these people, action speaks louder than words. They prefer you do something, for instance, helping around the house to make them feel loved.
3) Receiving Gifts: For some people, what makes them feel loved is to receive a gift. The gift communicates. Discover the kind of gift they appreciate most.
4) Quality Time: That is, giving the other person your undivided attention. It can be being in the same room, looking at each other, talking and listening or taking a walk together.
5) Physical Touch: We know the emotional power of physical touch like hugs and kisses.

Now, let's talk about ways you can discover your love language. Three ways to find your love language are to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Observe your own behavior. How do you typically express love and appreciation to other people?
2. What do you complain about in any human relationship?
3. What do you request for most often?

You also need to learn to resolve disagreements without arguing. Such a plan begins by recognizing the need to listen. Talking without listening leads to argument. Instead of saying "we need to talk," you can say "I would like to request a time that I can listen to you." After you have heard and affirmed each other's ideas, you are now ready to look for a solution.

Know that apologizing is a sign of strength. Learn to apologize. "I am sorry" may not be a quality apology. Express regret, accept responsibility, make restitution, genuinely express the desire to change your behavior and request for forgiveness.

The more you need to know are:

-Know your likes and dislikes.
-Plan on handling your money.
-Understand that sexual fulfillment is not automatic, learn the opposite sex's sexual satisfaction.
-Know you are marrying into a family. If you think after the wedding it will just be the two of you, your thinking is wrong.
-Personality profoundly influences behavior, know your temperament.
-Know that spirituality is not to be equated with going to church. When couples are contemplating marriage, religion needs to be discussed. "Are your spiritual beliefs compatible?"

In conclusion, this book, "Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married" is an interesting and educative book which everyone, married or yet to marry has to read to enable us build a successful marriage.


Book Review by Onwere Charity